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An engineer in the Army, Allan would go on to serve in the Malayan Emergency and the Vietnam War, as well as take various postings around the country and took part in Britain’s nuclear weapons test at Maralinga in South Australia.

The beginning of life as a military wife

Nola met Allan at a pub in Sydney in 1960. At the time, Allan was posted to the 17th Construction Squadron in Randwick. The following year, he posted to 11 Chief Engineer Works in Marrickville. It was during his posting in Marrickville, in 1963, that Nola and Allan married. Her first big test as a military wife came five years later when Allan left to serve in the Vietnam War.

“During Allan’s time in Vietnam, there was no internet or mobile phones and it could take up to two months or more for mail to arrive,” said Nola. “You never knew where they were or if they were okay and it was always a great relief when a letter from him finally arrived.”

Nola said, on the whole, she didn’t mind the Army life. But when Allan returned from Vietnam, and they packed up their lives in Sydney and moved to the other side of the country so Allan could take a posting with 22 Construction Squadron in Perth, Nola said she found it hard to leave her family.

They would live in Western Australia for seven years and it was both a beautiful and difficult chapter of their lives. Nola was desperate to fall pregnant but it simply wasn’t happening. Nola experienced a mix of emotions, which she navigated mainly alone without the support of her family and friends from back home. Allan was also navigating complex emotions. Not long back from Vietnam, war was wreaking havoc with his wellbeing, and, in 1970, he started drinking more and had a nervous breakdown.

Allan would recover enough to return to work as a soldier and the following year, in 1971, Nola and Allan adopted a son named John. Now with a family of her own, Nola missed the support and comfort of her mother.

“We made some lovely friends in Western Australia,” Nola explained. “The wife of the Officer in Charge of Allan’s unit started a ‘wives club’. It was great to meet the wives of other soldiers in the unit. We would meet and go to places. But it was hard not having mum there to help. We didn’t have a phone to speak to each other, but we would write.”

Navigating through defence life 

As fate would have, after adopting John in 1971, Nola fell pregnant in 1974 and her daughter Kerryn was born in June 1975. She would go on to have another daughter, Kylie, in January 1978.

As Nola speaks of her experience as the wife of a soldier, she is stoic and speaks positively of their life as a military family. She even said she missed the Army life after Allan retired. She missed the social aspect and meeting other wives.

But being the partner of a serving defence member is not without challenge. Nola said it is essential to learn how to cope without your partner, as well as take support from others.

“I think defence spouses become great at managing the bills, home maintenance, getting repairs, mowing the lawns – doing whatever needs to be done,” said Nola.

She recalled a couple of stories when Allan was away with the Army and Nola was left to navigate the ups and downs of life on her own. Like when John had to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night when he was 18 months old. Or when she gave birth to Kerryn and Allan was away assisting with the reconstruction of Darwin following the destruction of Cyclone Tracy.

Or the time when Kerryn broke her leg at 5-years-old while Allan was away. Nola remembers trying to be with her at the hospital, while trying to look after Kylie who was a toddler and see John off to school.

“I had good neighbours who came to my rescue at the time,” said Nola.

Following their posting in Perth, Allan, Nola and their children spent two years in Seymour, Victoria, where Allan was posted to 21 Construction Squadron at Puckapunyal, before returning to Sydney in late 1977 to 19 Chief Engineer Works. They would spend six years living in Ryde before posting back to Perth for two years. Allan’s next posting, to Holsworthy Army Barracks in Sydney, would be his last. After 30 years in the Australian Army, Allan retired from military service at 48 years old.

During his military career in the engineer corps, he was a driver, a field engineer and eventually a clerk. For his last posting in Perth, Allan was the Chief Clerk of the Squadron. Upon his retirement from the Army, he took up a role with TAFE NSW, as a Purchasing Officer where he bought all the equipment for the TAFE. He would perform this role for 17 years, until his retirement at 65 years old.

The toll of service

Allan’s military career took its toll on him, Nola and their children. It wasn’t just the moving around and having to put down new roots, find new schools and make new friends. Allan also experienced anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. Nola explained how when the children were little, things were hard.

“It was like walking on eggshells, at times,” said Nola, which is a phrase we often hear war widows use. “The sound of children fighting, screaming or crying would set him off. I had to settle the kids to make sure they were quiet when he was due home.”

“Even in later years, adults being angry or yelling would upset him. He didn’t like any kind of violence and would get upset, at times, watching the news.”

In 2016, after battling fibrosis of the lungs for more than six years, Allan passed away aged 78. They had been married for 53 years.

Having been a defence spouse for more than two-and-a-half decades, Nola has the following advice to the partners of current defence members: “When you find yourself in a new environment, join organisations or sport teams to get to know new people and make friends. If you have children, get involved in the school groups.”

Nola also went on to say: “If you sadly become a widow, definitely join war widows. It is a great support as everyone has gone through the same loss. It’s the best thing I did. I have made many lovely friends. I now coordinate the North Ryde Social Club and, when I can, I attend two other social clubs as well.”

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Lynne spoke of the long and difficult years supporting her partner as he struggled with post-traumatic stress disorder. “While I was not married to my husband during his years of active service, I lived with him and the impact of that service for 24 years,” she said. The weight of his service was carried home and into their family life, affecting them all.

Lynne described the experience of living each day with the uncertainty of what might unfold: “Losing a life partner in battle would be devastating. However, living with a veteran who bares the scars—physical and/or mental—of their service could be traumatic for their partner and family, creating tensions that are rarely understood by those outside the defence community, which could lead to social alienation. This could manifest in the stress of family members never knowing what they would encounter when they come home.”

Finding the Guild during difficult times

It was a constant struggle navigating the complex demands of parenting, work and study while supporting a partner whose moods and involvement in family life were unpredictable. It placed a heavy toll on the emotional wellbeing of the family. Like many, Lynne didn’t know about the Guild until well after Patrick’s passing. Back then, it was a place for widows. But as she reflected on those earlier years of navigating the impact of service on family life, it was clear how much that kind of support would have mattered, even then.

Lynne was introduced to the Guild by her close friend Nola, also a war widow. At first, she hesitated. “Most of the people already knew each other,” she recalled, and it was easy to feel unsure of her place. The idea of joining something unfamiliar—especially in a space where long-standing friendships already existed—brought mixed emotions. But over time, Lynne found connection in the company of women who simply understood; women who didn’t need things explained. Their shared experience created a solidarity that helped her feel less alone.

Building friendships with women who understand

There was no need to downplay emotions, explain trauma, or prove that she belonged. Being part of the Guild helped Lynne build lasting friendships and find a support network she hadn’t realised she needed. She felt seen and understood in a way that was rare outside the defence community.

What started with hesitation turned into so much more. Through social events, shared conversations, and simply being among peers, Lynne gradually began to feel a sense of belonging. Meeting other women who had walked similar paths allowed her to move forward, not by forgetting the past, but by being understood within it.

As her involvement grew, Lynne eventually nominated for the Guild’s Board of Directors. While she admits the role has required far more than “just a few meetings a year,” she finds the work rewarding and important. It has given her the opportunity to meet members through social clubs and regional visits; what she describes as vital connection points, particularly for older members. For some, it is their only outing for the month. “I love seeing how it allows some ladies to have a day to themselves and get dolled up.”

She has seen first hand how something that might have appeared small—a lunch, a conversation, a visit—could have a lasting impact. These moments provide structure, purpose, and a sense of normality, particularly for those who are feeling isolated. As Lynne often says, these aren’t just social groups, they are a lifeline.

Embracing change and inclusion for families of veterans

Over the years, Lynne has witnessed the organisation evolve into a flexible and inclusive organisation. “There was a very strong point in getting change in the name from war widows, because a lot of the people that are needing help now are probably in younger sort of cohorts, and they may not even be widows; they might be divorced, they’ve got families, all sorts of things.” She acknowledges the transition hasn’t been easy for everyone, especially as definitions of ‘war widow’ and ‘veteran’ continue to shift. But she sees value in adapting to the needs of younger generations, and in sharing with them the stories of strength and resilience that war widows have long carried. Lynne hopes their stories offer guidance and courage to those navigating defence life today.

Serving on the Board has given Lynne an even deeper understanding of how diverse members’ experiences can be. While everyone’s story is different, there are familiar threads that run through each one: grief, perseverance, responsibility and strength. These are not always visible from the outside, but within the Guild, they are known, acknowledged, and shared.

Lynne reflected humbly on whether she had made an impact. But her steady presence, her advocacy, and her willingness to listen speak volumes. Her story shows that the need for support often begins well before widowhood, and that the Guild’s broader focus on veteran families today is not just a change, but a long-overdue step forward.

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